<~ Credo Quia Absurdum ~>

This just in, sshhh!!! (conversation overheard at a recent doins):

Clampin' Kurgan has a chance meeting with Dr.Prokter~>

    Friday Afternoon - (setting up at the doins) :

  Hey! why is this poor blind candidate outside of his assigned campsite!?!?

  WTF did you just say?

  I demand to know who is this man's sponsor and an explanation as to why he is not confined to his own camp!

  I'm his sponsor and he's out here setting up my bother's tents...  Who TF are you???

  I'm a "Grand Poo-Bah Prokter", and you should very well know that there are strict rules against poor blind candidates leaving their campsites prior to being turned over to the official hangcrew at the prescribed time in the morning.

You make certain that you keep that man under control - I'll be monitoring the situation!

  Yeah - Well guess what?  He's my F-ing Puke, and my responsibility and he's setting up tents until I say he's done for the night.  As far as "keeping him under control" goes - WTF do you think he's gonna do?  Go off and bite a hole in someone's neck??  Even if he did, he's current on all his shots - We took him by the dog pound on the way here - just for some extra kicks (got photos too - even some of a Chihuahua trying desparately to mount him!) Ha ha ha!!!, so he's up for whatever the hell you've got planned.

  Aren't you aware that PBC's should not be referred to as "pukes"?  It's defamitory and in very poor taste and is why the Grand Poo-Bahs discourage such language.  I must add that I find your attitude rather disagreeable - it's abundantly clear that "responsibility" is not one of your strong points.

  Really now?  What makes you say that???

  I was going to go with your blatant disregard for a possible staph infection from the plethora of safety-pins that you appear to be using to close the vicious gash in your neck.  However, I settled on the  gasoline can you're carrying that's full of beer..

  Hey pops, I emptied out all the gas before putting the beer in it! Duh!!!

Heh heh! Come on "dad"!  Ha! Ha! ha!!!  You can't be that much of a freakin' moron (are ya?) - the gas can is brand new and I even had the little Widder scrub it out real good last night.

  Either way, I'll have you know that I plan on reporting your roisterous insubordination to the chapter's hangman at the very next possible opportunity. 

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* Lengthy Pause *

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  Well go ahead, I'm *still* waiting . . .    How about that report?

  What? - WTF are you talking about?  You won't be a "clamper" after this weekend is done.

  The report - you know, the one that you said "you're gonna file"...

I'm the hangman - so aren't you going to give me your report?  Oh yeah - I beg to differ, I think I'll be a "Legendary Clamper" when this weekend is done (regardless of the bile you attempt to spread later on).

  Uhhhh..  My cup is empty - I think I need to go up the hill!

  No sweat pops I gotcha, here - that's why I have the gas can, even if you are a jerk-off, you're still my "brother"...

  Well, uh - thanks but no thanks..   I'm drinking spritzers..

  WTF did you just say?  Did you just say "Spritzers"???  You're shitting me right?

  It would seem that we have little in common, as I doubt that you possess a palate suited to evaluating our state's finer wines..

  It looks like we go to the same barber - does that count?

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   Friday Evening - (later on at the doins) :

  I see you're up here to enjoy little slippery?

  Yeah?  I see your eyesight's working now that you're awake again..

  Well, a couple spritzers will really take a the legs right out from under a fellow!

  WTF did you just say?  TWO spritzers are what put you to sleep for the past 5 hours?

  Well, it's all of this "excessive alcohol consumption" that has prompted the Grand Poo-Bahs to urge chapters to move towards having a "dry" doins...

  You're shitting me right?  A "dry doins" as in no beer?

  No beer or hard alcohol...  You see, it would make the doins cost $5 less to get in and we'd all still get to enjoy a good steak.  It would save lots of money on those alcohol permits and insurance too!

  And the doins would be boring as f**k - then, a year later we'd only have shriveled-up little old men showing up for a steak and NO PBCs to buy them...  Besides, the beer is a whole lot better than the steaks are from my point of view.  I thought you "Grand Poo-Bahs" were all about promoting and preserving the history of this organization - what gives?

  Oh we Grand Poo-Bahs ARE all about protecting the history of our organization!

  Really now?  Then whatever happened to "don't give a sucker an even break"?  Or "Credo Qui Absurdum"?  What about that poke of gold dust surrendered by the PBC - which was immediately converted into "liquid assets" for the enjoyment and merriment of all on hand? 

  Uh, well...  "Some" of the history anyways.

  The way I see it - NO beer = NO doins...  So are you a Clamper, or are you a "camper"?

Never mind - I think I can figure that one out for myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Where's your poor blind candidate?  I trust that he's not being treated inappropriately. 

  Well, that  all depends on what "Kongk the Donk" has planned for him - he's sleeping in the stable with him tonight, because Fartin' Frank and I don't want his stinky ass in our tent!

  WTF did you just say?  You can't treat a poor blind candidate like that!!!

  Ease up dad, don't have a stroke already - I'm just "yankin' your crank"!!  My puke's ALREADY in the tent for the night because he's got a BIG day ahead of him tomorrow.  Are you "poobs" really that gullible?

How about leaving your "dr.proketer" act at the gate and letting your "hair down" for a change?  Oh wait - I guess you already DID leave your hair down.

  If did that... I might fail to give the Grand Poo-Bahs a full and proper accounting of the events taking place here..

  Why don't you just "get over it" and try having a good time?

  Alrighty then,  give me a double gin & tonic on the rocks!

  Huh? maybe you actually DO have a brain "that's thirsty as a dead cactus" after all.  Anyways, sorry pops - you'll have to wait until tomorrow when the big slippery opens to get gin & tonic.

Maybe you should just go fix another "spritzer" and auger into the sack, call it a night and leave the serious shit to us Clampers.  We'll all stay up so we can keep a close eye on that beer wagon for ya.

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* A couple three or four beers later *

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 Hey dad, WTF is up with that shirt you got on?  It's f-ing PINK! for crying out loud.

  This is my "veteran Clamping attire" and I've worn this shirt to all of the 64 functions that I've attended this year..

  WTF?  64 doins?  I call B.S.

  It's not like they were all "doins"...  There are other kinds of ECV events, you *DO* know?

  YES, I *do* know, so I'll cut you some "slack" on that one.  Frankly, I work lots of overtime and I'm damned lucky to be here one or maybe two weekends a year to give these pukes thier proper introduction and "welcome" into the order.

  Why must you insist on calling the PBC's "pukes"?. 

  Efficiency, besides it sounds idiotic to keep calling them "poor blind candidates" when we all know they're PBC's - besides, "pukes" is a properly decriptive name for these scurvy dogs, Arrrr!

Anyways, come see me tomorrow and I'll buy you a new red-shirt when the Hawkers get set up.  We can't have you running around here looking like shit in that old rag.

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  Wait a minute, hey prok!  I have an idea - how about if we just call the "grand poo-bahs" PUKES and call the PBC's "GNC's" - as in Grand New Candidates?  That would makes lots more sense to 99% of the brothers in attendance - what say?

Pops?  You awake?  Oh well - sleep tight, I'll wake you up after HOCO..

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  Saturday Morning - (day of the doins!) :

  HOLY SH*T, Doc-O Prok-O, WTF happened to you?

  I had an unusually bad night, I may be coming down with the H1N1 virus or something..

  Do you mean like "having a good time" or "an idea" or something?  Certainly not pig-flu...

  I don't think I follow you  - do you mean like something to contribute to further our order?

  No, I mean like rounding up a big brush that has stiff wire bristles.

  Whatever for?

  Well, for starters, you could have all of that crusted vomit scrubbed off your ugly-assed shoes in short order.  By the way - Who The F- wears "suede leather" shoes to a doins, for crying out loud??  

  Oh gosh - I didn't see that...

  Ahhh, So - you slept in your shoes huh?

~~~~~~~

  Uhh.. Please tell me that you DIDN'T puke all over your shoes after two of those goddamn "spritzers" last night..  Please say it ain't so...

  Eerrrrrpp!  'gak' ak  ak ack...

  Oh wow man, I see you're not even done yet!  You gonna be OK dad? - no really, you're looking mighty green this morning , you should head up to the big slippery and get a Bloody Mary to ease that swollen brain of yours.

  Eerrrrrpp!  'gak' ak  ak ack ahhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg  Bleahhhgk.. 

  Uh hey, would you mind doing that in this bucket for me?

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* After "turn-over" - at the doins site *

  What on earth is with all of this insane yelling?  This ear-splitting noise is getting to me.

  It's called "initiation" - something you've probably never been through..

  Oh, I'll have you know that back when I went in, it was MUCH tougher than anything that goes on these days..

  You're kidding me - right?

  No, of course not !

  But yet you have an issue with the pukes singing Hidy-Dighty?

  That song is vulgar and casts our order in a very negative light to the public.

  Public?  Call me crazy, but yesterday I drove for two and a half hours down a dirt road that has foot deep pot-holes every ten feet - I thought we did that to be away from the public?  Am I missing something here?

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* Later on - during the doins *

  What is that dreadful odor coming from that line of buckets?  Certainly you don't have plans to use those in this initiation?

  That's the "secret sauce" we use for "basting" the pukes!  I'll have the vigilante's save some for your steak - sound good?

  That's not funny and is a clear violation of Grand Poo-Bah rules!  There will be a written letter of reprimand sent to your chapter's officers and they will be required to respond.

  Relax pops, take it down a notch OK?  We're not gonna have the pukes drinking from the buckets - but they will be wearing what's inside of them in short order.

~~~~~~~

  What's that in the PBC's mouths?

  It's called a "grub-stub", would you like one too?

  That's unsanitary and yet a further and more serious violation of Grand Poo-Bah rules!

  Hmmm...  That's not what Tampax says.  They are individually packaged and only handled by vigilantes wearing new sterile medical gloves before being issued to each puke.

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   Saturday Afternoon - (in the chow line) :

 

  Hey pops, I didn't see you at HOCO - what's up with that?

  Oh, I had to hangout and rub elbows with the "Grand Poo-Bah Wannabees",  we have some big new plans for all the chapters!

  Like what?  Outlawing songs on private property, and in general telling the individual chapters how to run their own business and initiations?

  Actually, we're WAY past that point and are looking at doubling the yearly chapter dues and using half to create a legal fund to crush any chapter that thinks they can tell us "where to stick it".

  I see... kind of like making a condemned man pay for the rope used to hang him?

  EXACTLY!  Most of the morons running these chapters are too stupid to realize that we only have the power that they are willing to let us exercise!

  What about the ones that don't?

  We simply "pull their charter" and force them to cease-to-exist!

  So, how's that workin' out for yall?

  Uhhh...  they're telling us "where to stick it".

  You OK?  You're not looking too well all of a sudden here..

~~~~~~~

  So, I suppose that makes the chapters that kiss your boots the "morons".  What do you all call the chapters that tell yall where to stick it?

  Outlaws!  We're gonna use that "legal fund" to scare the moro-er..  brothers that is, into compliance - AND better yet, to demand that they not associate with outlaw-chapters or face the very same wrath!

  Sounds like a "real fun" organization you all have there...  I guess you all could call it "Handshake & a Steak"?

  That's not funny.  While we Grand Poo-Bahs take our steak & spritzers seriously, we still have a sense of humor.

  Cool!  When will we be seeing some of this alledged "sense of humor"?

  We were thinking of demanding each chapter impose a $10 TAX per puke-errrr... "poor blind candidate" as a way to stagger them after the punch of doubling their yearly dues.

  You're F-ing kidding me right?

  You sound like you're sympathetic.

  Well, these "Outlaws" sound like a better segment of ECV than you "Grand Poo-Bahs",  I think I'd rather have them for company in my camp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No outfit could ever pull that off,

now could they?  I guess we'll just 

have to wait and see..

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   All Characters appearing in this work are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

More Outlaw News will be

Well, sooner or later

and most likely later...